No, not bitchy. Disappointed, get it right..door handle

The most memories I have are always the ones that have the most shit people in them. All the "friends" that I care for the most and speak the best of, put the highest up there, do the most for, always end up letting me down. I understand that all of your time is not going to be spent with just and only me. Thats a given, thats only human nature, but why must they always go about spending that other time (with the other people) and hide it in the most grimey ways? And what really gets me down in my gut, yknow that strong pull you get inside when something really horrible comes to light and it just sucks at you from the inside and soon the pain wells up inside your throat kinda feeling, is that they always get "caught" somehow. Like im a jealous wife who gets in the car later with you and i see her scarf on the floor, or I find the movie ticket stubs on the floor that fell out of your jean pockets. Is it necessary for me to play that role for you? Did you really have to assign me that character in the play of your life? Why did you have to go through such a big production to try to keep the fact that you did something and didnt include me a secret? Now I know that one could argue 'well they do that because they care so much about you that they didnt want you to get hurt?' yes and no. Yes I would be hurt that you decided to see other mutual or non mutual friends and didnt think Id quite fit and help you enjoy that time better, again its only natural, but it hurts unnecessarily much more when you go through the trouble of trying to lie and cover it all up like Im not a smart girl who can piece two an two together, or go back through old news feeds and pictures. No youre not doing it to protect me really, for some odd reason youre "guilty" and thats why you hide it. I just dont understand it. Everytime I decide 'this person means a lot to me and I will do all I can in my power to be the best friend I can be to them' they flip the dice and instead of being a ten they turn out to be snake eyes

I wouldnt mind...really

my horoscope made me laugh today because it was a nail to the head literally haha. So people dont show affection the same way I do...yeah thats all fine and dandy... but I still dont give a shit, I want them to show me affection dammit lol I dont want them to do it when they feel like it. Whats the point then? I might as well forget all about you until you remember me or run into me and then Ill give you all the attention and affection you want..then once the day is over, Youre over. Your sun has set for me lol

ahh my taurus-ness. I love it, blessing and a curse really. AND furthermore Im so DAMN lazy..I wake up feeling good and then Im just like pfft...I dont want to do anything anymore..but I sit at home bored going crazy lol. I dont want to go to driving school tonight, I LOATHE the time of driving school to come but what can I do eh? *throws up arms* Ok ok ok Im going to GET UP and go to PCC by my god damn self and make a god damn scheduling counselor appt so I can argue with them and yeah get it all done. then driving school *barf*

..but first Im going to sit out in the sun and get warm and hopefully my dripping hair will dry.

Alone and Together all at once

you need someone who will drive you, take you out, cuddle with you, and hold you in his arms covered in leather wrist bands ..the entire night..., who will take you for coffee the next morning ... randomly surprise you, give you space... and constantly remind you.. he's totally over the moon about you

P.S. I Love You

Great Time BEST TIME

edited story

I envy francine. I envy her "beginning of the end" relationship...as weird as that is. I envy her finding Victor, whos interesting and diversified...and I just envy her, her relationship. Despite the fact she thinks its going off a cliff so to speak, I envy that...I feel like my relationship is just stuck. Its just going towards Marriage, and thats it. Do I even want to marry him? I want to...date...other guys. I want to meet someone on a rooftop, in an elevator, picking out the same apple at the store.....like in the movies. Stupid? I know but I do..I want to meet new people..I want to meet new guys and actually get into a relationship with someone different, someone Ive never tried before if that makes sense..

I just feel stuck.

Im sorry he caught your interest, Im sorry he took you away from me, Im sorry I cant love you..is th

So I cant even begin to recap anything and everything thats happened. While Im sure it will help so you can understand the weight of everything more easily, I dont feel like doing it......let me just say

I got tired of it. I got tired of being called drama, being told to fuck off, always trying to make him happy and for what? Do I owe him happiness? Who is he to me? What am I to him? "Stop trying to make me happy" Is that what you really want? Fine....Take your own advice.....and then he calls me to tell me he will take my own advice, and to lose his number (ha like I could really do that..Ill give him props if he can though..) and then a text a few minutes after "If youre joking around this time again itd be a damn shame..." I dont even know how to interpret this and I didnt even really try..I was reading this amazing book and in that moment I felt he was something I needed to get rid of in my life..to clear the path Im on to look for myself...and I didnt respond..like all the times he doesnt respond to me.......and then I broke down awhile later and replied with whatever......

and so hes gone....and Im trying to be sad about it.....but I dont feel like crying....I dont feel like hes really gone.......but maybe he is? Who knows.....I dont......all I know is I cant cry and Im surprised.....What will be missing from my life now? ...happiness?? I think I get the same feelings when Im with my Boyfriend too...theyre on the same level I think.........

Ah.....I know....

Im going to miss the way his arms feel, the way he made me laugh, the way he frustrated me and made me just want to slap him, the dumb looks he gets, the way he never knows how to get anywhere, the way he trys to be so god damn tough and so mean but cant wait to open his arms and lay down with me, the way he always picked a fight and made me sad,....the way he smells.

Yeah there it is..I can feel the pain you get in the back of your throat when you feel like crying, you know the one that makes you take a deep gasp..the ones you make when youre a child and you cry really hard. Yes I feel it now.

But what was it going to be anyways? "Im not ready for you"     "I miss you"           "Fuck off"     I just cant do it anymore I guess......

Im going to miss my Ice. Im going to miss him so very much.

I love him.